When someone you love is toxic – how to let go, without blame
If the toxic people were an ingestible substance, they would come with a notice of high power and safe packaging to avoid any possibility of accidental contact. Unfortunately, families are not immune to the poisonous ties of a toxic relationship.
Although families and relationships may seem impossibly difficult at times, they were never meant to ruin. All relationships have their flaws and none of them comes packed with the permanent brightness of sunlight and goodness and beautiful things. In any normal relationship, there will be fights from time to time. Things will be said and done and forgiven and, from time to time, remembered at strategic moments. In most of the time, they will feel stimulating and capable of giving life. At least, they will not hurt.
Why do toxic people do toxic things?
Toxic people thrive in control. Not the loving and healthy control that tries to keep everyone safe and happy – tighten the seat belt, be gentle, use sunscreen – but the kind that keeps people small and diminished.
All they do is keep people small and manageable. This will work through criticism, judgment, oppression – whatever is necessary to keep someone in their place. The more you try to get out of your place, the more a toxic person will call the toxic behavior to bring it back and crush it in the tiny box in which you think it belongs.
It is likely that toxic people have learned their behavior during their own childhood, either by being exposed to the toxic behavior of others or by being overvalued without receiving the main quality of empathy. In any toxic relationship, there will be other qualities that are also lacking, such as respect, kindness and compassion, but at the heart of a toxic person’s behavior is a lack of concern about their impact on others. They come with a critical failure to see beyond their own needs and desires.
Toxic people have a way of choosing open and gentle people with nice and generous hearts, because those are the ones who will be more likely to fight for the relationship and less likely to give up.
Even the strongest people can be in a toxic relationship, but the longer they stay, the more they tend to evolve into someone who is a lesser, less trusting, more hurt version of the person they used to be.
Non-toxic people who remain in a toxic relationship never stop trying to improve the relationship, and toxic people know it. They count on that. Non-toxic people will strive to make the relationship work and when they do, the toxic person has exactly what he wants – control.
Toxic families – a special type of toxic
Families are a witness to our lives – our best, our worst, our catastrophes, our weaknesses and failures. All families come with lessons we need to learn along the way to be a decent and prosperous human being. Classes start early and do not stop, but not everything a family teaches will come with a glow. Sometimes the lessons they teach are deeply painful and shudder against our core.
Instead of being lessons about how to love and open up safely for the world, the lessons that some families teach are about closing, staying small and burying needs, but for each lesson weakened, there is a strength, strength and growth that exists. In toxic families, these are about how to get away from those we love, how to let go with strength and love, and how to put aside guilt and any fantasy that things could be different. And here’s the problem – the pain of a toxic relationship will not soften until the lesson has been learned.
Love and loyalty do not always exist together.
Love has a fierce way of staying close to the people who hurt us. The problem with the family is that we grew up in the flock, believing that the way they do things is the way the world works. We trust them, we hear and we absorb what they say. There would have been a time for all of us who, regardless of how destructive the messages of our family were, would have received all of them with a beautiful innocence and open eyes, taking all the details and letting them shape who we were. growing to be.
Our survival would have depended once upon believing in everything they said and did, and resisting the need to challenge or question what we could deserve better. The things we believe in when we are young are powerful. They notice us and stay, at least until we perceive a day how those messages were wrong and weak-hearted.
At some point, the environment changes – we grow – but our beliefs do not always change with that. We stop depending on our family to survive, but we stick to the belief that we have to stay connected and loyal, even if they are with them it hurts.
The obligation to love and remain faithful to a family member can be immense, but love and loyalty are two separate things and do not always belong to them.
Loyalty can be a confusing and charged term and is often the reason why people become trapped in toxic relationships. What you need to know is this: when loyalty comes with a decrease in self, that is not loyalty, it is submission.
We stop having to respond to the family when we become adults and capable of our own minds.
Why are toxic relationships so destructive?
In any healthy relationship, love is circular – when you give love, it returns. When the return is a petty and petty intention under the guise of love, he will end up leaving it small and exhausted, which falls violently, terribly below where someone should be.
Healthy people receive the support and growth of the people they love, even if it means having to change a bit to accommodate. When a person in a system changes, be it a relationship of two or a family of many, this can be a challenge. Even the strongest and most loving relationships can be touched by feelings of jealousy, inadequacy and insecurity, sometimes in response to someone’s growth or happiness. We are all vulnerable to feel very normal and disordered emotions that are being human.
The difference is that families and healthy relationships work with difficult things. The unhealthy to blame, manipulate and lie, whatever is necessary to return things to the way they always were, with the toxic person in control.
Why a toxic relationship will never change.
Reasonable people, however strong and independent they may be, can easily be led to think that if they could find the switch, do less, do more, manage it, adjust it, that the relationship would be fine. The cold truth is that, if something were different, it would have already happened.
Toxic people can change, but it is highly unlikely. What is certain is that nothing anyone does can change them. It is likely that there are broken people, broken hearts and broken relationships around them, but the carnage will always be explained as someone’s fault. There will be no remorse, regret or vision. What is more likely is that any broken relationship amplifies its toxic behavior.
Why are toxic people so hard to get out?
If you try to leave a toxic person, things can get worse before they get better – but they always get better. Always.
Few things increase feelings of insecurity or need for control, more than when someone questions old or familiar behaviors, or tries to break with old and established patterns in a relationship. For a person whose signature movements involve manipulation, lies, criticism or any other toxic behavior, when something seems to be changing, they will use even more their typical toxic behavior to bring the relationship (or the person) back to a state that seems acceptable. .
When things do not seem to be working, people will always do more than they used to, even if that behavior is at the center of the problem. It is what we all do. If you are someone who is naturally open and giving, when things do not seem right in a relationship, you will probably give more of yourself, offer more support, be more loving, to get things back on the rails.
Breaking up with a toxic relationship can seem like ripping the barbed wire with your bare hands. The more you do it, the more it hurts, then for a while, you to tear, until you perceive that it is not the tearing that hurts, it is the barbed wire – the relationship – and whether you tear or not, he overcame to stop cutting at you .
Think of it like that. Imagine that all relationships and families occupy a space. In healthy ones, the shape of that space will be fluid and open to change, with plenty of room for people to grow up. People will move to accommodate growth and flight from one another.
For a toxic family or a toxic relationship, that form is rigid and inflexible. There is no flexibility, no flexion, no room for growth. Everyone has a clearly defined space and, for some, that space will be small and highly embedded. When a person starts to get out of shape, the whole family feels that their own individual sections change. The form may oscillate and things may seem vulnerable, weakened or scary. This is normal, but toxic people will do whatever is necessary to restore space the way it was. Many times, this will mean amassing those who are changing to fit in space again.
Sometimes, because of a terribly misplaced feeling of love and loyalty, people trapped in a toxic relationship can sacrifice growth and change and return to the rigid, tiny space in which a toxic person manipulates them. It will be clear when this happened because of the sadness of being aspiring to the soul to be back in the confusion with people (or people) who feel so bad for being with them.
But they do it because they love me. They said it.
Sometimes, toxic people hide behind the defense that they are doing what they do because they love him, or what they do is not a “big deal” and that you are the one causing the problem, because you are very sensitive as well. , also – weak, stupid, useless, lacking, insecure, jealous – also “whatever” to obtain it. You have heard the word many times before.
The only truth you need to know is: if it hurts, it is painful. Final point.
Love never stops people from growing up. It does not diminish, and it does not pollute. If someone loves you, it seems love. It is a feeling of support and affection and life. If it does not, it is not love. It is selfish shit created to keep it tied and tied to another person’s idea of what it should be like.
There is no perfect relationship, but a healthy relationship is tolerant, loving, responsive and responsive.
The only truth that matters.
If it looks like a growth or something that will nourish you, follow that. This can mean getting away from people you like – parents, sisters, brothers, friends – but that can be done with love and with the door open so they can find you closer to your terms – the ones that do not break.
Define boundaries with grace and love and let the toxic person decide which side of that limit they want to stay on. The limits are not about resentment or manipulation and do not have to end the relationship. They are something designed in strength and courage to let people see with great clarity where the door is for you. If the relationship ends, it is not because of your lack of love or loyalty, but because the toxic person chose not to treat you in the way you deserve. Your choice.
Although it is your decision to decide what conditions you will leave someone close to you, whether or not someone wants to be close enough to you to respect these conditions, it depends on them. The choice to run over what you need means they are choosing not to be with you. This does not mean that you are excluding them from your life.
Toxic people also have their relationship conditions and, although they may not be explicit, they will probably include an expectation that they will tolerate ridicule, judgment, criticism, oppression, lying, manipulation – whatever they do. No relationship is worth and it is always good to say “no” to anything that diminishes you.
The world and those who genuinely love you, want you to be the best you can be. Sometimes choosing health and fortitude means moving away bravely from what your broken and malnourished spirit would see.
When you were young, vulnerable and dependent on the survival of the adults in your life, you had no voice in the conditions in which you left people close to you. But his life is not like that now. You can say. You can choose the terms of your relationships and the people with whom you are approaching.
There is absolutely no obligation to choose people who are toxic just because they are familiar. If they are toxic, the truth is that they have not chosen it. The version of you that they chose is that which is less than the person you would be without them.
Being away from a toxic relationship is not easy, but it is always brave and always strong. It is always good. And it’s always – always – worth it. This is the learning and growth that is hidden in the toxic confusion.
Letting go will probably come with guilt, anger and grief for the family or person you thought you had. They can fight more for you to stay. They will probably be more cruel, more manipulative and more toxic than ever. They will do what they always did because it always worked. Continue ahead and let each painful and small-hearted thing they say or make their way.
You can not fake toxic behavior or love it, eat it, drink it, smoke it, deprive it or throw it away. You can not avoid the impact by being smaller, bending over, curving or flexing. But you can get away from it – so far that the most guided toxic-fueled missile that is played on you will not find it.
One day they can reach it – not catch you, reach it – with the growth and healing of them, but, until then, choose your own health and happiness over the need to control it.
You can love people, release them and keep the door open on their terms, provided they are ready to treat you with love, respect and kindness. This is one of the most difficult lessons, but one of the most valuable and courageous.
Sometimes there are not two sides. There’s only one. Toxic people will make you believe that the only true side is theirs. It is not. It never was. Do not believe in the highly sick and petty version of love. He is drawing his breath, suffocating and that slowly goes to kill him if you allow it, and the way he “lets” you is to stand still while he turns around you, looks and shoots.
If you want to stay, it’s all good, but see your toxic behavior as it is – a desperate attempt to keep it small and controlled. Be older, stronger, braver than anything that may diminish. Be authentic and real and give yourself everything you need to let this happen. Be it. Be him. Whoever it may be, if the little minds and hearts of others can not stop it.